Into The Sunset is a photo-forward memoir drawn from years on the road in the music industry, woven through journals, emails, photographs, love, betrayal, motherhood, grief, and the search for meaning after loss.
Into The Sunset
Beat by Beat. Life. Time. The choreographed avenues of our making and doing. Choices that unfold unknowingly. The unexpected and our reaction. The desire for love and wisdom.
The human experience.
In this memoir, I share a perspective from the road as a photographer in the world of music and a human in the world of life.
The crash between the conscious, the unconscious, and the unraveling of my experience.
A love affair with the intangible chased through the setting sun unfolds in an email dialogue while weaving through raw and revealing journal entries.
Living backward in time isn’t an option, but looking back fearlessly loving and expanding is.
Raw visual fragments from Into The Sunset
And Beyond
“ABQ—LAX
‘Be brave and have courage. You are not the storm; you are just experiencing it.
A mist rises above the water, letting go of sadness. It is time to say goodbye to the butterfly and become the dragon.’
LAX—BNA
Thinking…
The things in front of me/behind me… ghosts… a permanent design of choices, mistakes and the unknown.
I ache for a battle that I cannot win, for my shortcomings and losses.
“If you’re afraid of heights, don’t look down.” — flight attendant
Smoky Mountains—The Farm
Together, Z and I released Bruce’s ashes—a gushing waterfall, slippery rocks—tears.
BNA—LAX
‘Don’t be so heavy with it. Let that shit go. I am just a thought away. Live life and always choose love.’ — Bruce
Another level.
I am. I am not. I am again.”
Youthful Laughter Drifts
“Where are you? V
Nashville. Where are you? C
Nashville. I want to see you. V
I hear the elevator chime. A tap on the door.
I reach for his arm and pull him into the room.
BNA—LAX
Topanga
A dream:
A circle. A token. A heart dedicated to an idea of old, sacrificed… A metaphor for it all.
The sun drops behind the lighthouse on a river. The palette of a Russian painting.
The air is cold, life endless. Hands touch and it begins again.
Broken hearts redefine the walls covered with moss. The stone is old. The mortar gives and a new way insists.
Hues of soft magenta, blue, and red own the horizon. The sound of youthful laughter drifts through the air.
As the sun kisses the river, hearts are full for the moment.”
Simple Thought
“BNA—LAX
A heavy heart and a bunch of brave have set the course.
The mix that’s making me feel like I never have before.
Not good. Not bad. Just.
Time, perspective, interpretation.
Getting on a flight to LA has a very specific energy.
‘You can deplane if you want.’
Topanga
Woke up thinking about time and how much you still bring me light after almost eight years of sunsets. This delightful chase of unburdened passion and curiosity… Where are you? V
Hi beautiful! On my way to Canada… Where are you? C
It’s 5:52 a.m. staring through my skylight listening to the quiet.
First time I’ve been alone at my place in over a month. Had clients in town recording… They left about half an hour ago.
Thinking about how important and really unimportant things are depending on just a simple thought.
I feel free but still long for relief from the pressure of freedom. Tired. V
I’ll be out there next week. I want to be there with you. C”
A Deal Made
“LAX—BNA
My business partnership continues to fall into oblivion.
What you don’t know about a person matters so much more than what you think you know.
The big jet plane takes a right. The sunset is a reminder of love or at least the idea of it.
My sunset guy has become a voice that lightens my soul.
Nashville
Dad… It is as great as you said and as hard as it can be.
Z is doing well right now. God, I wish you could spend time with him.
Meet with X tomorrow about our next step.
I know I should end this, but I’m not ready to walk away.
Outside The Hermitage Hotel
A deal made with the devil.
I signed up for one more year with my company. I will continue to work for the clients, spend less time at the office, and X will back off and be supportive.
Cigarette smoke blows lies to the universe.
I drink wine in the Ballerina Suite and salute “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.”
Love & Time
“How I don’t want to be small about love. Soul friend, I miss you! V”
Truth & Heart
“MSY—BNA
Nashville
A quick rendezvous on the road with X.
A complete energy shift into a black hole.
Truth would be cool right now but she enjoys the control and impact of untruths.
This is seriously not going to work.
‘Keep your ego in check my girl and leave your fear in the shadows.’ —Bruce
The Oak Bar - I miss you Dad.
It’s a different level of faith with you on the other side.
I should have talked to you about Z. I worry about him all the time.
Please look out for him.
I’m in the “barrel” Dad.... working.
BNA—BWI—LAX
Sunrise
No coffee. No sleep.
Two back to back live shows with Heart for ‘Mamas Rock Love’.
Heavy cameras and life. I’m so tired.
Feeling the clock... tick-tock.”
Angel Bruce
“Big Island
9:43 a.m. 81°
My amazing father left the planet this morning.
No words. In a haze.
Jumped in a cold ocean. Everything in slow motion. Stayed under water for what felt like an eternity.
Coming up for air, a million pounds of real crushed me. I will not see Bruce again.
No flights out until the morning.
A sunset and a bottle of white burgundy.
The horizon is all that I see and hear.
A quiet walk back to my room. Tears all night. I am crushed.
Wheels up. Wheels down.
Orlando Airport
Drove Mom in Bruce’s car to their place in Vero Beach.
I don’t know what to do.
We just cremated her soul mate and life partner.
I am absolutely heartbroken and I have to jump back in.
New Orleans
‘Mamas Rock Love’ shoot 3.”
In The Light
“Malibu
Have carved a hide out in the back of the Malibu office space.
The chatter up front is starting to offend me.
'Can’t, don’t, no, and you’re over budget'.
‘Why don’t you reuse old hard drives'?
It’s crazy the dumb shit people do to control, attack and feel powerful.
I don’t have time and can’t keep up with all the back stabbing positioning and gossip.
I’m in so deep and the fools driving are blind.
'Valarie, the ego is like a runaway train being driven by a blind man. Jump before it crashes.' —Bruce
LAX—LAS
‘Mamas Rock Love’—Shoot Day 1
I love working with crew. No bullshit. Just work.
LAX—BNA
Next shoot for ‘Mamas Rock Love’ in the studio with Jewel.
A quiet moment thinking about it all.
Time. Loss. Faith.
Nashville, Hermitage Hotel
Bottle of wine and a newspaper.
The pressure of it all is starting to get to me.
I pray for Z to stay in the light.
I want my job to work but feels like it isn’t going to.
A lonely and tired moment.
BNA—LAX”
Bob’s Bus
“The Farm
It’s quiet. I can hear myself think.
Haven’t told my parents about Z’s time with heroin.
I don’t know why. I guess I just don’t want to have that conversation. It hurts—and to make them worry isn’t going to change any of it.
Nashville
Just finishing up the editorial for the CMT release.
Moving words around again.
Tired.
On my way back to LA.
Topanga is starting to feel like home.
Z has his smile back.
Makes me weak.
We are cooking together, listening to music, talking, writing and being.
The ominous cloud of heroin is the unwanted guest and just a bad decision away.
I don’t know how deep heroin goes but I have watched it take it’s toll and it FUCKING scares me.
Malibu
Shangri-La Studios
In Bob Dylan’s old tour bus interviewing Rick Rubin.”
Topanga The Move
“Truth:
Just emptied my entire savings account.
I’m fucking freaking out. Z is still in rehab.
And then, there’s X...
‘Now put the rope around your neck.’
It’s fucked to have to think about money when the soul that matters the most is struggling so much.
But, so is the system we have collectively manifested on this planet.
We’re all pimps and whores in one way or another.
Broke but not. I should only have gratitude.
The true bag of gold... the love we rock before and after we leave this planet... not the one buried in the cemetery.
‘It’s just a test V, we all get to graduate.’ - Bruce”
The Crash & The Climb Out
“NYC
A quiet walk through the lower East side with Z.
Thanksgiving dinner he kept is leather jacket on, didn’t say much, didn’t eat and didn’t look good.
He’s not talking. A repeat from the summer.
Huge anxiety. I feel it. Drugs? Depression? Questions?
Heroin... FUCKING heroin.
OMG! I am such a fucking idiot! I thought he was depressed and needed inspiration.
Be strong. You have to be strong.
Santa Fe
I need to fucking think.
Malibu
Hit the ground running, reaching and hurting.
Z is in rehab and sworn me off for life. I am entirely powerless and crushed.
I just need to keep going. Work the final frontier and what I can do for Z right now.
Decided to take the leap into building a creative department in X’s management company.
Yes, with the person that loves me to hate me, supports me to destroy me, manipulates me to lie to me and is becoming more jealous with every minute she can’t control me.
I am now in warrior survival mode. I will take the hits that I have to and walk with faith and hope.”
Ten Years Gone
“Vegas
Mandalay Bay, last night of the tour, last night shooting this band, last night the band will be together.
Five years straight.
Sat with an artist on a quiet bus after the show.
His heart hurt. Tears.
It’s time for a drink or two…
Vegas, OMG!
Asheville
A stop at The Farm to regroup, reflect and dream.
A walk in time. Fear. Desire. Purpose.
Why is it so hard to meet myself where I am?
I choose the impossible so it’s impossible.
Love and work; an external distraction from myself. A hand off of my power.
To love and respect myself.
I want to find that.
Need to spend time with Z.
Need to spend time with my Dad.
Need to spend time with my Soul.
Time?”
A Walk Through The Park
“Vegas — Rehearsals
And, it begins.
TOLEDO YOUNGSTOWN NIAGRA PIKEVILLE LOUISVILLE THACKERVILLE VIRGINIA BEACH CHARLOTTE RALEIGH MEMPHIS
NYC
A walk through the park with Z.
The Met. Paintings… Art. Cigarettes.
A walk back through the park.
Something feels off.
On The Road
Where are you? How are you? C
Just left Chicago. Heading to the middle of nowhere. Tour wraps the beginning of September. Tired. V
Let’s talk soon. I miss you. C
‘And from that moment onwards I bathed in the Verse
Of the Sea, infused with stars and lactescent ink,
Ravaging green azures, where, pallid and submersed,
A delighted, drowned dreamer sometimes may sink”
Old Truck
“Hollywood
Light beaming through antique arched windows, vintage furniture, wood beams and chandeliers.
A conversation with Z about possibilities, dreams, study, the world and life.
Los Angeles
A day doing interviews for the documentary about loss, hope and change.
New Mexico
Shooting B roll with my crew for the documentary. A sweet old truck ended our day.
Santa Monica—Editing Room
Arrogant boots hitting the wood floor making sure power echoes through the room.
Screening the rough cut for management including X.
An hour later a pin could echo power in a rare moment of humility.
“I should have been there for you more. A long hesitation, oh, and by the way, I spoke to the band. They have changed their minds and do want you to come out.”
How deep does it go?
Arrogant boots were quiet on the way out.
Still have a job but to what end?
Why do I keep doing this?”
Love Is An Action
“Vegas Office, Editing
X left this morning. Feels like she’s wrestling to tell me something. I’m guessing it doesn’t involve virtue.
Love?
Where innocence is cracked walls are built.
Feeling pressure, change and the impact of the unexpected.
Indiana Benefit Concert
Actions… the great truth provider.
Beyond words and promises, one will know who their fellow warriors are by those left standing in moments that require sacrifice. Even if, one finds themselves standing alone.
“Flight attendants, prepare for take-off.” The Captain
Eyes close.
Hollywood
Spent the remainder of the evening at the Chateau with Z.
Played piano in the room. The only true deep soul I know.”
Perspective Shift
“Guatemala City
A quick detour from the road.
Shooting for a non profit and an artist making it possible.
Perspective shift…
NYC
Where are you? I miss you. C
Another airport… On my way to Indiana. I miss you too. V…
Indiana
A moment that went tragically wrong.
In seconds, right before the show, we all lost and we all changed…
Albuquerque, NM…”
East of Omaha
“The Road
Thinking about integrity.
Being on the road continues to reveal a person I didn’t see.
We are trying to be friends. Though, bad habits don’t die with a title change.
… Everette Billings Charleston West Virginia Roanoke Rapids Scranton Augusta Choctaw Thackerville Calgary Craven County Paso Robles San Diego Los Angeles Detroit Lakes Omaha Kansas City Albuquerque Denver Salt Lake Sacramento Mt View Las Vegas Allentown Syracuse”
Should Have Stayed in Santa Fe
“Santa Fe, NM
Where it ended and began or more clearly where it began and ended. Innocence.
My more innocent self trusted temptation and all the charms that mystify on behalf of the manipulative.
This is where I met my partner and now “X”.
I fear that the more simple me is slipping away given slave to my strength instead of wings.”
This is Going to Fucking Blow Up
“Ten days in the UK and Ireland.
As the tension begins in the world of bands and touring, she says… he listens. The other she says not. He doesn’t listen. The first she jabs and twists. The other she believes it.
This is going to fucking blow up.
The divide begins and I hear it all. The red carpet, if you will, of being a fly on the wall.
As a band rises, the desperate side of human nature holds on for the ride, taking no prisoners and abolishing anyone in the way.
What am I doing?”
IN IT
“Where are you? C
Hi! Back in New York for a minute. V
It’s been a while. How are you? C
Surviving...
Almost done with the tour.
Looking forward to a break.
How are you? V
Surviving... ;) C”
I Need a Fucking Shower
“So many faces. So many words.
I get it. It’s cool to be part of the circus that shows up and plays songs for the crowd.
The experience. The share.
Telling stories for the machine.
Venues.
So many cinder blocks always painted gray or dirty white.
I need a fucking shower.
Well, and a break from my failing partnership and the seriously mean tour manager who works with her.
Thank God the travel agent is cool.
...
Does anyone really care?
Or, are we all just polite and sometimes not even that.
Glad you’re here.
Have a cigar.”
The Farm
“Atlanta, GA
In the studio. Filming.
I can’t believe this year has already started.
I don’t even remember the last one ending.
NYC
A day off with my crew.
Decided to shoot a music video in the park.
Think I’m going to go to The Farm
The Farm
A small place I bought for us to be close to my parents and as a refuge in the Smoky Mountains.
Prop planes and camera gear.”